Again

I thought I was pregnant, again.

For the first time in months, I ovulated. I didn’t say anything to my husband, because I was afraid to get his hopes up. Everything was timed just right. Weeks went by, and no period. I was slowly starting to get excited. Cautious, yet excited. I had been down this road, countless times. I know better than to get too excited or to get my hopes up. It has been eight years of trying, and failing.

I was late, and I was terrified. Was it real this time? Could I allow myself to become excited. The only thing left to do was to take a test. I told myself I would go to the store the next morning and get one.

I woke up and slowly stretched. Then I felt it. The all too familiar cramps. I knew. I just knew automatically that this time I had failed. Again. I slowly got out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

There it was, proof that yet again I didn’t need any sort of test. I had failed.

“Its okay, you didn’t even want kids anyway.” A lie I mumbled to myself. It is always easier to use that lie instead of explain. When you explain to someone that you can’t have kids, it makes them flinch and look at you in pity. I don’t know what is worse, the pitying looks or the unwanted advice.

With that lie, I lost it. I sat on my bathroom floor and cried. Not for me, but for my husband. I could handle failing myself, but not him.  I cried because I felt like I was letting him down, and ripping something from him. I know how much he wants children, and what an amazing father he would be. I see the look in his eyes when around our nieces and nephews. I see the sadness when people ask him about kids.

I cried because of the blue room. The room in our home that would make an amazing nursery. When I close my eyes, I can see it. I can see exactly how I would decorate and plan. For now, it is just an empty room. The room that I can barely force myself to go into. Soon I will paint over the bright, cheery blue and turn it into a guest room. Until then, it will sit empty and unused.

I cried because I am tired of struggling. There are days where I can’t keep it in. I cry because I want to be a mother, but I have resigned myself to knowing that it will never happen for me.

I cry because I am afraid. I’m afraid that my husband will resent me for not giving him children. He always reassures me, promises me that isn’t the case. But I see it all the time. I see how badly he wants it. The sadness in his bright, blue eyes. He holds me and cries with me. But times like this, when I need that he isn’t home. He’s out of town working.

Slowly I stand up, and wash my face. I walk slowly to the bed, and lay down. I bury my face in my pillow and sob. I know that I will be okay, I’ve been through this before. I find a way to process and then move on.

Recently a friend asked me about adoption, if we had ever considered it. We have, we’ve talked about it. But adoption isn’t as easy as people think. Yes, there are thousands of children waiting for parents, but it is a long, expensive process. The smallest detail can derail the process and make agencies not want to help. I try to explain that I would love to, but at the same time it would feel like I’m missing out. I’m missing out on carrying my own child, feeling him or her grow, kick and move around inside me. I’ll miss everything.

Another friend asked about surrogacy, and for me I don’t think I would be able to do that. I can’t fathom watching another woman carry my child. Knowing she is getting to experience everything that I will never be able to. That thought is heartbreaking and just makes me realize how much I am missing.

Instead of answering honestly when people ask me about kids, I lie. I say I don’t want them. That the world is too scary and messed up. That I don’t want to put a child through all of that. I would rather have them look at me like I am a selfish woman instead of pity. Often, they ask about my husband and if he want kids. I tell them the truth, he’s known since we were dating that it was more than likely never going to happen. It’s easier.

For now, I sit in my bedroom and cry. There is nobody here to see it. No questions, or looks of pity and sadness. Most of the people I know can’t understand. They haven’t been through the struggle of trying to conceive. I am glad for them, that they haven’t had to feel this way. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

 

 

Game Night

Board games and pizza are two of my favoirte things. So when I knew that Daddy was going to be in town at the same time as Sir I got super excited. What little wouldn’t be? I got my Daddy and my Sir all to myself. I started planning the games and food. I wanted to spend as much time with my two fellas as possible. I wanted all their attention.

I picked up Daddy at the truckstop and brought him home. Sir was waiting for us, they greeted each other and Daddy went to go wash up. Living on a truck takes its toll sometimes.

While Daddy got showered, Sir called in the pizza order for us. As he called in the order, I dropped to my knees. With a wicked smile I looked up at him and undid his jeans. Slowly I pulled his hardening cock out, and took it all into my mouth. I felt his knees buckle a little bit and his hand found its way to my hair.

“Mmhm that’s right. Oh, we’ll need an order of cheese bread and extra marinara.” I heard him mumble, I could tell he was trying to keep his voice even.

As soon as he hung up the phone, I felt both hands go into my hair and he began to fuck my face, hard.

“Such a good little slut, aren’t you?” He asked me.

“Mmhmm” was all I could reply.

Suddenly he pulled me off of him, and stood me up. With a stern look on his face, he quickly slapped me across the face.

“That’s what you get for being a dirty slut. I almost messed up the order.” He pushed me over, and pulled my skirt up. That’s when he noticed I wasn’t wearing any panties. Sir slapped my ass, hard three times. The sting of the swats brought tears to my eyes, and I cried out.

We heard the bathroom door click open, then Daddy’s footsteps coming down the hall. He walked into the kitchen and started laughing. As Sir began to spank me again, Daddy stood in front of me and started pulling on my nipple rings. I could feel myself begin to get wet. Slowly Sir slid his fingers into me.

“Such a good little slut gets wet from being spanked and your nipples played with.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Come with me.” he commanded.

He led us into the living room and took his pants off. He sat on the couch, and told me to climb on and straddle him.

I felt his hard dick enter me, making me moan. Daddy stood behind me and suddnly I felt the head of his dick against my ass.

“Do you want your Daddy to fuck your tight ass while I’m in your pussy?” Sir asked me.

“Yes, please.”

“No. You know what to say.” Daddy said from behind me, while wrapping my hair into his hands and pulling on it.

“Please Daddy. Please fuck my ass while Sir is inside my pussy. Please. I need it.” I begged him.

Daddy pushed me forward, and I felt him slowly begin to enter me. I kept moaning, over and over again. Sir wrapped his hand around my throat and started choking me while working in and out. Quickly they found a rhythm and I was cumming over and over again.

Sir slapped my face, “Such a fucking whore, aren’t you?” He asked me.

“Yes, Sir” I moaned, feeling another orgasm rolling over me.

“You’re Daddy’s slut, aren’t you? Taking two cocks at once like the slut you are.”

“Yes Daddy. Yes I am.” I moaned for him. He began fucking me harder, making me scream for him.

Sir dug his fingers into my hips and began fucking me harder and harder. I coluld feel them both getting closer and closer to cumming. I felt like I hadn’t stopped cumming from the minute I felt both cocks enter me.

Sir tightened his grasp on my throat, cutting off my air and I felt him swell inside me. Filling my tight pussy with his cum. He pulled me forward, and bit down on my shoulder making me cum even harder. Soaking him again.

Daddy felt me tighten down and he pulled my hair even harder and started pounding into me. I could feel him begin to growl, low in his throat. The harder he fucked me, the louder he got. Sir started pulling on my nipple rings and biting my chest.

“You better make your Daddy cum, whore. Or else you won’t like what happens to you.” He told me sternly. The tone he took, and feeling Daddy fuck me even more made me begin to moan and cum over and over again. Suddenly I felt Daddy grab my waist and start fucking me even harder. With a loud growl I felt him begin to cum.

We laid there in a sweaty, cum soaked heap for a couple minutes.

“Um..guys. I think the pizza guy may have came…” I mumbled.

I could feel them begin to shake with laughter. Slowly Daddy slid out of me, and helped me stand up.

“Come on, Princess. Lets get you and me cleaned up while your Sir rests.” Daddy said as he lead me to the bathroom.

I heard the front door open and Sir began to laugh. “Hey ya’ll. The pizza man did come. He left a note: I knocked a couple of times, nobody answered and I heard some moans. I looked in the window and you were otherwise occupied. Enjoy the pizza with my compliments you three earned it.”

Daddy and I walked back into the living room. Sir high fived him, and patted my bottom. As we sat around and ate our pizza, we debated what game was first and I realized that I was the luckiest person ever. Even if I was going to be forced into playing monopoly.

 

ramblings…

Jealousy is a natural emotion. We all deal with it, in different ways. Some of us are adults, and talk about our problems in order to work past it. Unfortunately, there are some who would rather stew over it and then blow up. Which turns them bitter. Being bitter is one of the ugliest qualites you can have. It turns the most beautiful person into a troll.

I’m human. I’ve had issues with jealousy. I refuse to let that turn me bitter. I work through my issues, I talk about them. I learn and grow.

Being poly doesn’t automatically mean that there isn’t any jealously. There is always jealousy, but you learn to work through it and you learn how to cope. I admit, I am not always the most mature person. I get mad, I get upset and I cry. Sometimes over imporatnt things, sometimes over silly things. It’s just my nature.

I am lucky. I have two amzing men in my life. My husband who treats me with complete respect and loves me. He encourages me, and listens to me. My boyfriend/Daddy is another amazing man. He listens to me, guides me, cherishes me and respects me.

Lucky for me my Husband and Daddy are becoming friends. They really like each other and want to build a solid friendship. Their love and support means the most to me.

My Daddy has another partner, whom I am slowly starting to get to know. She is a wonderful, sweet woman who treats him with repsect and because of that I respect her and adore her. I was a little standoffish, because of past experiences, but I am so glad that I have worked past my issues to get to know her.

Every poly relationship is different. No two people do it they exact same way. If you have a problem with something in your relationship talk about it. Nobody knows what you expect unless you say something. Nobody is a mind reader and will be able to know what you’re thinking. If you don’t speak up and let your feelings be known, you’re going to be full of misery.

When I have an issue with something in one of my relationships I talk about it. We work through it. That’s called being an adult.

Because of the fact that I am an adult I have learned to recognize when I’m having a fit of jealously. I talk about it. I work through it. I don’t sit and stew and throw a fit. I don’t wait weeks after my initial fit to be passive agressive and shady. I am an adult. I say whats bothering me. Because of that, I am a happier person. Bitterness and jealousy are cancers, they eat away at you and turn you ugly.

 

Bear

“I’m going to be in your area, am I going to get to see you?”

“Yes! Tell me where you’ll be and I will make it work!” she immediately texted back.

After knowing him for a year, and being in a long distance relationship for a month she was so anxious to finally meet her Bear. It didn’t matter that she had just driven over 18 hours to visit family.The fact that he was near made her heart race. She needed him.

As soon as she got the address she started planning. The drive would take her about three hours. She started gathering her things, and headed out the door. A quick stop for gas and a text and she was on her way.

The further she drove, the more she got. She was full of insecurities and anxiety. Would he like her just as much in person? Would he enjoy talking to her? Would she find a way to ruin things? She knew she could ramble and be annoying, especially when she is nervous.

She kept hitting construction, the traffic was heavy. She was getting more and more anxious. The idea of keeping him waiting bothered her. She wanted to be with him.

Finally, after an extra hour delay she made it. She grabbed her phone and saw a text from him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, there was a lot of traffic and construction. I’m going to go inside and pee really quick.”

“I’ll meet you by the bathrooms.”

Quickly she ran inside, once in the bathroom she had to calm herself down. She was shaking. Her hands were sweaty and her heart was racing. She was sure that she looked a little off, standing in a truck stop bathroom muttering to herself. The thought of running briefly ran through her mind. Then she thought about all the conversations. The growth in their relationship. The sudden change they had when talking one night and he admitted that he had feelings for her. She had felt an intense attraction to him for a long time, but didn’t think that he would reciprocate it. The thoughts of the long conversations, phone calls and random messages. She knew this is where she needed to be.

Nervously, she walked out and there he was. She saw him standing there. A huge grin spread across her face, and he returned it. He was taller than she imagined. Quickly he wrapped her into a hug and pulled her in for a kiss. The chemistry was undeniable. Nothing else in that moment mattered.

They moved to a table to grab a bite to eat. That’s when it started. The conversation flowed just as easily as it had through text and on the phone. She felt like she rambled incessantly and was trying to make herself stop talking. She felt his gaze and looked up. He was watching her, intently. He was paying attention to the way she waved her hands around when talking, the half smile that crept on her lips when she caught his gaze. Being with him was so easy.

While they ate, they talked more. Her nerves never slowing down.

“I know I’m rambling and I’m sure that my stories are kind of annoying and well, they never seem to go anywhere. I’m just really nervous.” She admitted to him.

“It’s okay. I love it. I love knowing about you, hearing about the things in your life. It lets me know everything there is to know and you are not annoying.” He assured her calmly. She had warned him this would happen. She knows how her anxiety can affect her.

After their meal, they walked outside.

“Want to go sit in the truck?” He asked her.

“Yes.” She said simply. She felt tiny next to him. He was over a foot taller than her. While they were walking his hands never left her body. He was constantly touching her. Her shoulder, holding her hand, his arm wrapped around her. She loved feeling his presence. It reassured her.

They made their way towards his truck, never stopping talking and laughing. They walked up to it, and he had to show her how to climb in. As she took the first step, she felt his hands on her hips, supporting her. His touch sent electricity through her body. Quickly she climbed her way up, and made her way towards the sleeper cabin. She quietly sat on the bed and watched him climb up. He made his way to where she was sitting and sat next to her.

He pulled her into a kiss, and her body melted into his. His hands made his way across her back while his tongue slowly parted her lips. She wrapped her hands around him and pressed into him.

The weeks worth of anticipation had built up to this. She felt like she was flying. She could feel her heart racing, the only thing in that moment that mattered to her, was his touch.

She started to climb into his lap. Her nervousness and anxiety melting away. Nothing could stop her, she needed to feel as close to him as possible. As she settled into his lap, she felt his arms around her, touching her and pulling her in. Softly, she gave out a little moan. She could feel herself getting more and more aroused. Slowly she started grinding her hips against him, feeling his erection grow.

His hands slid under her shirt, his hands running across her skin. She felt goosebumps sprout up across her body. She pulled back, breaking their kiss and looked at him. She looked into his eyes, and saw the passion burning. She knew he wanted her just as much as she did him.

Quickly she pulled her shirt over her head, his face immediately went towards her cleavage. He pulled her into him, and she felt him begin to kiss her breasts. Lightly he nibbled on them, kissing them. His hands went behind her and began to unfasten the clasp on her bra. Quickly he pulled it down and tossed it to the side. Looking up at her, he took one nipple into his mouth while tugging on the other with his fingers.

She put her hands in his hair and pulled him into her. She started to whimper and moan, rocking her hips against him even faster. She could feel him smile against her. Suddenly he had her on her back. Looking up at him, she smiled. He had an intense look in his eyes. Quickly his hands worked to pull her jeans and panties down.

She was nervous, being completely exposed in front of him. She wanted to hide her body away, distract him somehow.

He whispered softly, “you are beautiful”.

She could tell he meant it. He wasn’t just saying it to say it.

He began to kiss his way down her body, each breast, across her stomach down her hips. Slowly she felt his fingers slide inside her. She was so warm and wet for him. He had managed to completely arouse her. He looked into her eyes with a smile. Suddenly he dipped his head and she felt his tongue slide across her. involuntarily she arched her hips, opening herself to him more.

His tongue worked its way inside her. Sending chills up her spine. She let out a low moan. Quickly he slid his tongue across her clit, each stroke made her arch into him and moan louder. Her legs were pulled over his shoulders, pulling her closer to him. She felt his free hand around her hips pulling her closer. She was grinding against his face, moaning louder and louder. He began to lick her even faster, adding more pressure. Suddenly she felt him suck her clit into her mouth and nibble on it. She couldn’t control herself anymore.

She began moaning, screaming for him. She felt her orgasm explode from her, soaking him. That only seemed to spur him on. He pressed further into her licking harder, sucking more. His hands found their way to her breasts. Pulling on her nipple rings making her cum for him again and again.

She lost count of the number of orgasms she had. They were non stop, and all melted together. Her body arched towards him, her hands in his hair. She never wanted this feeling to stop.

He leaned back, studying her. Her skin was flushed, her chest heaving with each breath. He could see her body glistening with sweat, her pussy shining with the remnants of her orgasm. Her head was thrown back, with an arm across her face. She was completely exposed to him and she didn’t mind. She needed to catch her breath and calm herself down. She could feel her legs trembling and her pussy throbbed.

“Are you okay?” He asked her softly.

“Yes, I am. I just need a minute to come down, that was intense!” She told him.

Quickly he repositioned himself to lay next to her, wrapping his arms around her he pulled her into him and just held on. He knew what she needed.

He felt her breathing begin to slow and become regular. Quickly he got up and handed her a bottle of water, grabbing one for himself. Gingerly, she sat up, tucking her legs beneath her. She slowly began to sip her water, studying him. She could feel him watching her and began to feel self conscious. Almost as though he was reading her mind he smiled at her and told her she was beautiful. Silently she leaned against him, enjoying the moments of being together.

She set her bottle of water down and with a wicked smile said , “now it’s my turn.”

He leaned back, and she nestled in between his legs. Looking up at him she slowly began to swirl her tongue around the head of his dick. She felt him gasp, and his hands go to her hair. She slowly began to lick the head, down the shaft and back up. Slowly she began sucking on his head while stroking his shaft. She loved the feeling of having him inside her mouth. His hands were in her hair, pulling her. Guiding her. She began to take every inch of him into her mouth and down her throat. She couldn’t get enough of him. Her hands began to work their way down, slowly tugging and caressing his balls.

Suddenly she felt a sharp tug on her hair. She smiled to herself. She knew what was going to happen next. Quickly he began using her hair to pull her up and then shove her back down on his dick. She opened her mouth and relaxed her throat. She wanted him to take this control, to use her.

Suddenly, he stopped.

“I need you.”

Quickly he stood up, and pulled her up on the bed. He got between her legs and suddenly he plunged his entire length into her. As he slid into her, he let out a long, guttural moan. The sound sent shivers down her spine and caused her to tighten around him. As he slid into her she felt herself begin to climax.

Looking up, into his eyes she could feel every ounce of passion he held. She knew that she belonged to him.

He quickly began working his way in and out of her, his hands never leaving her body. With one hand he grabbed her hips and the other had a firm hold on her breast. His eyes never left hers. Her back arched, meeting every thrust. Slamming their bodies together.

Without warning he grabbed her and pulled her towards him. It was effortless.

“On your knees.” He demanded.

She quickly got into position. On all fours, her back to him. She felt him press his finger against her clit. She let out a soft moan.

“You are so wet, Princess.”

“Yes, Daddy. You made me so wet.”

“Do you want me inside you?”

“Uhuh.” Was all she could get out, feeling her orgasm build up from his touch. He could tell by her quickening breath that she was near another climax. Suddenly he shoved two fingers into her. The sudden invasion made her scream out.

She moaned and panted her way through her climax. Calling out for him. Begging him to never stop. Promising to be his good little girl as long as the feeling never ended.

She could feel her juices running down her legs, and she knew that his bed was soaked even further from each orgasm.

“Ddddaddy..” she moaned out.

“Yes, Princess?”

“Need you. Please. Inside me.”

She didn’t need to ask twice. He grabbed her hips and shoved himself back into her. He began fucking her, hard and fast. He could feel her cumming over and over against him. Begging for more, whimpering for him. He knew she loved it, needed it and had been craving his touch.

His fingers dug into her hips. With one hand he grabbed her hair, pulling it.

“Who do you belong to?” He asked her, calmly.

“You.”

“Who’s slut are you?”

“Yours.”

She could feel him quickening his pace. He knew that she belonged to him. That she was his, he loved hearing her say it. He loved that she knew her place.

With his hands gripping her hips he began to fuck her even harder. He was close, and he needed his release. She felt his fingers dig even deeper into her skin. The pain only intensified her orgasm. She tightened her grip around him and he let out a moan.

His moan started off quietly, then slowly intensified. He began to fuck her, his whole body tensing up. She could feel him begin to climax, emptying himself. The feelings sent her over the edge, begging for him she began her own orgasm.

His moan turned into a roar, his hands moved to her shoulders, pulling her into him with each thrust. He was not gentle with her, he let his primal side take over. He needed her to feel him for days, to remember who she belonged to, and she would.

 

The Hunt Pt. 2

She woke hours later. Her body was stiff, and she could feel the small cuts all over her body that had begun to heal. Stretching her body, she felt the small cuts begin to tear open again, stinging slightly. She was alone in the woods. While she was resting he had left her. He left her to her own devices, to figure out what she was supoosed to do. Slowly she gets to her feet and gets her bearings. Her body has been used, every part of her body is sore from his touch. Smiling to herself, she begins to walk around. It begins to dawn on her. All she can find are her socks and boots.

“You took my clothes?!” She yelled out not really expecting a response. From somewhere behind her, she could hear his deep laughter. Shaking her head, she begins to put her socks and boots back on.

Slowly she begins to make her way, going further into the woods. Working her way towards the stream she had come across before. She wanted to cool down. As she walked further, she could hear the water bubbling. Smiling to herself she quickened her pace. As she got to the waters edge, she took her boots off. Quickly she walked into the water. The coolness of the water soothing her skin. Washing away the dirt, sweat and cum.

Hidden in the shadows, he watches her. Silently he walks foward, watching her. He can see his marks across her back, the image makes him smile. She was marked, his property. He knew she wouldn’t forget it. She was completely unaware to what was going on around her, a mistake she would soon pay for.

Quickly he begins to strip. He does so without making any noise and slowly slips into the water. She doesn’t notice. Her back is still to him, she starts to slowly sink down futher into the water. Quickly he grabbed her, pulling her to him.

Growling into her ear he whispered, “You’re mine now, Pet.”

Her body tensed up, not knowing what was going to happen. She was his, she would obey whatever he commanded. Her back was to him, he had her hands pinned to her sides. Smiling to himself, he bit down on her shoulder. He could feel her tense, and the sharp intake of her breath. Her knees weakened and he could feel her give a little. Moaning to himself, he bit down harder, causing her to moan even more. He released his bite, and moved his hands to her nipples. Pinching, and twisting them hard. He knew he could do whatever he desired and she would allow it. He had her total trust, he had earned it.

Quickly he pushed her underwater. He held her there, by her throat. She didn’t panic, she knew wouldn’t last too long. He pulled her up by her hair and slapped her face hard.

“Who do you belong to?”

“You, Sir.” She whispered.

“Good.” He said calmly as he wrapped his hands around her throat, shoving her underwater again. He loved the look of surprise on her face knowing that he had ultimate control over her.

He grabbed her hair and pulled her up, dragging her to the bank. He needed her, he needed to exert his dominance over her, again.

Quickly he grabbed his belt, and looped it around her neck, creating a leash. He pulled her, slightly dragging her. Quickly she began to crawn on all fours, follwing him with her head down.

He pulled the leash tight, cutting off her air supply. He turned to face her. He didn’t have to say a word, she knew her place. Reaching down, he grabbed a fistful of her hair. Pulling her to him, he pushed her onto his hard cock. He held her head, and slowly began to fuck her face. Starting with slow, shallow strokes he begain to build up speed. Shoving his cock all the way down her throat, her eyes looking up at him. He could see her face starting to get red, eyes watering. He backed off a little, allowing her to breathe before shoving his cock down her throat again. Hands wrapped in her hair, puling it tightly. Closing his eyes, he enjoyed the feeling of her warm mouth on his cock. He kept fucking her mouth. He could feel his orgasm building. He started fucking her harder, hearing her gag and choke on his cock. He looked down and saw the tears running down her face. Harder he slammed into her, making her choke and gasp. He knew he couldn’t hold out much longer, he was close to cumming. Without any warning he slammed deep into her throat, cumming. She knew better than to spill a drop, and she swallowed quickly savoring he taste.

“That’s enough, Pet.” He told her. He moved around behind her, and without warning he plunged two fingers into her ass making her scream. Her screams of pain and pleasure brought a smile to his face. He leaned forward and bit her on the ass, hard. Sinking his teeth in he could feel her flesh being pressed and molded around them. He began to pull her flesh with his teeth. Her whimpers spurring him on. He knew it was hurting her, and the pain was turning her on. He reached down and felt her pussy. She was dripping from his touch and the pain.

He withdrew his fingers from her ass, and shoved his hard cock deep inside her. She let out a scream, trying to adjust to the size of him. He started fucking her, hard and fast. She whimpered and screamed, knowing that her pain turned him on. He wrapped one hand into her hair, pulling her towards him. His other hand was at her waist, digging into her skin.

“Your ass is mine, Pet.” He growled out.

“Yes, Sir. All of me is yours. You own me.” She whimpered out. Tears running down her face.

Her words and tears made him harder, he began fucking her even harder. He could feel himself getting closer to cumming again. With one hand he reached under her and began to slap her pussy. Every time he slapped her clit she let out a little whimper, and he felt her tense.

He began to slap her pussy harder, building up speed. His hand was becoming slick from her dripping pussy.

Her screams of pain had turned to those of pleasure, spurring him on. He fucked her hard, and pinched her clit, he felt her entire body tense, her ass squeezing him tighter. She was trying to hold back, she knew she couldn’t cum without his permission.

“You may cum.” He grunted out.

Her only response was a low moan. The intital pain had shifted to pure pleasure. Her eyes were closed, and her head hanging down. Her mind was completely cleared and she was flying somewhere outside of her own body. She had no control over her body anymore.

He slowed down his fucking, taking long slow strokes matching the pinches he was giving her clit. Her warm cum was just flowing out of her body. He could feel himself getting closer to cumming and he knew that she couldn’t last much longer. He quickened his pace and began to cum. Yelling out, he grabbed her hair while leaning forward to bite her on the back. Leaving impressions of his teeth all over her body.

Slowly he slid out from her, lowering her to the ground. He could feel her trembling and shaking. Gently he slid her head into his lap stroking her hair, calming her. He would wait for her to calm, he would wait for her to come down.

The sun was starting to set behind the trees. He had spent all day chasing his pet around the woods, he knew that she had needed this hunt just as much as he did.

 

Down the same path

You came back into my life when I was most vulnerable. I was surprised to hear from you, it had been almost a year. Almost a year from the day you walked away and out of my life. It wasn’t a typical breakup. There was no arguing, no fighting, you just disappeared. I learned to deal, I processed, I attempted to move on. You were always in the back of my mind. I always thought of you, wondered about you. Missed you.

You explained your disappearance, your military training got in the way. I understood that, and I was grateful that I finally got some answers and knew the reasons why. I always blamed myself for it. Wondered what I could have done different.

We built a tentative friendship, you made it very clear from the beginning that you wanted me back. I wasn’t sure about progressing any further than friendship. My heart was still hurt from you, from your disappearance. I should have known better than to try and hold my guard up around you. From the beginning I was drawn to you, like a moth to a flame.

Because of the way things ended with us, I always feel that you are just going to disappear. You tell me to trust you, that you would prove yourself to me. At first you did, but as the days have gone on I feel a shift. Are you just busy with work and school? Are you backing away from me to slowly end things? Am I being paranoid? I don’t know the answers and I’m scared of what they may be.

I know that I need to just confront this, head on but I can’t. I can’t face the thought of the rejection, again. So now I just wait. I wait for your texts. I wait for the acknowledgement that we have this relationship. So I’m here in limbo, waiting for you. Waiting for answers I feel may never come.

So now we go down the same path, the path we both know. When the path begins to twist, which direction will we go this time? Will you trust me enough to talk to me, to make me feel important enough to be included in your life and the mundane details.

I will wait for you, because it is what I do.

 

Anxiety

“I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened, and the things that make me “weird” and “different,” were actually the most important parts of my life. They were the parts that made me ME.”

-Jenny Lawson

I have anxiety. I have since I was a child. My anxiety is different than anyone else’s. That’s the thing with anxiety. You can have the same diagnosis as someone, but it can manifest in it’s own unique way.

I have been told that I ‘seem normal’ and people don’t understand why I am anxious. I have to constantly remind myself that there is no such thing as normal, and that it is okay. So what if I have to do things in even numbers? I’m sure a lot of people count how many steps they take getting from one place to the next.

I need structure and routine. I don’t like when plans suddenly change. I know that there are times where it is unavoidable and I just have to adapt and go with it. When I first began seeing my Daddy, he had no idea at the level of anxiety I have. Luckily for me, he is completely understanding and has learned how to deal with it. Within the first couple months he told me he was going on vacation. He would be unreachable for over a week, but if he had the chance, he wold check in with me. This sent me into a panic. Was this his way of ending things with me? Had I done something wrong? Could I have been better to him? These were all the questions rolling into my brain. So I of course asked him.

He assured me that wasn’t the case, that he had a vacation planned with his entire family and wanted to spend time with his kids. Logically, I understood that, and how amazing it is that he is so devoted to his kids. Emotionally however was another story. I knew I would miss him, I knew that I would hate that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him. So naturally I did what any brat riddled with anxiety would do. I threw a fit.

“Don’t bother attempting to contact me while you’re gone, I’m fine.” I told him.

“No, that’s not the point, I just wanted to let you know that I will miss you and check in on you as often as possible.”

“No. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” My eyes were blurry from tears.

“Why are you acting like this? I am not impressed.” Immediately I realized what I was doing. I was acting like a petulant child. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I was just being hateful, but I couldn’t help it. I was hurting and acting out because I didn’t want to be hurt, to feel like this.

“I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

“No, tell me what is wrong, I can tell something is bothering you. Explain it to me.”

So I did. I explained about having anxiety and needing structure and routine. I need to be prepared for changes. I can be clingy, needy and whiney. But, I can be loving, sweet and caring at the same time. I also explained, part of it was abandonment issues. Far too many times I have had people just flake out and disappear on me. I never get closure, I never get any sort of resolution. Because of that, I tend to panic and expect it.

Since then, he has always been amazing and letting me know a head of time if things are going to change, or if he is going to be unreachable. For that, I am thankful. Other than my husband, I have never had anyone willing to take those extra steps, to make sure I keep my sanity and don’t panic.

Sometimes I notice things, little things that would be inconsequential to others but stick out to me. Oh, you haven’t said you loved me in two days? Yeah, you’re sick of me and want to end things. I haven’t heard from you in two hours? Yeah, you’re flaking on me so you don’t have to deal with me anymore. It isn’t me being clingy or obsessive, it is more about always expecting the worst. I always worry, stress and go to the worst possible situation because that is what I have always gotten.

When I get into that mindset, my anxiety is manifested in other ways. Nervous laughter, or scratching.  I will scratch at my skin until I am bleeding. I will obsessively count my breathing, tap my fingers. I will tug at my hair, my eyelashes. The worst of it is, I know that I need to stop. I know that it is just my brain playing tricks on me. But I can’t. I can’t force myself to stop digging at my skin, bitting my lip or sometimes holding my breath until I feel like I am going to pass out.

There are days when I am not ruled by my anxiety. Days where I am not constantly worried (did I leave my flat iron on, causing my house to burn down?), or constantly paranoid (are those people laughing at me?). Those days are amazing. I joke and laugh with my husband, I giggle and be silly with my Daddy. I don’t get easily offended or hurt by innocent remarks.

Because I have the love of two amazing men, support from some of the best friends anyone could ask for, the good days out number the bad. For that, I will always be grateful.

If you love someone with anxiety, you know the daily struggle it can be. How hard it can be to constantly have to reaffirm how you feel to them. Loving someone who suffers from any form of mental illness is not easy, and never will be.

If you suffer from anxiety I know how hard it is. I know that every day is a struggle and sometimes, you’re just too goddamn tired of fighting it to deal with the real world. On days like that, I lock myself in my bedroom and hide under the covers. I watch crappy Hallmark movies and cry. It is cathartic, it lets me get out the things that I can’t normally express.

Just always remember, there will always be good days and days you thought were bad. Looking back, those bad days can actually be some of the best.

Love and Light,

C

 

Warm

“I’m cold.” Was all the text said. Grinning to herself, she typed out a quick reply.

“My vagina is warm.” Slipping her phone back into her pocket she smiled and got back to work.

Buzz. Buzz. She could feel the phone vibrating with each incoming message.

“I almost shot coffee out my nose!”

“Ass.”

“You love me.” She responded quickly, chuckling to herself.

“And you’re an ass.” He told her.

“I know. My vagina is acutally abnormally warm. My gyno actually made a comment about it the first time he tuched it.”

She could picture him, staring at his phone shaking his head. It had been about six months since they began their relationship. He was somewhat used to her rambling.

“It’s genetic. I asked my mom, grandma and sister if theirs is like that too and they said it was.”

“What am I supposed to do with this information?” he asked her.

“Oh I don’t know, I guess just be prepared for when you stick it in? I mean, it’s not so warm that it is going to burn you or anything. It’s pleasantly warm.”

“Oh that’s good. I was afraid it was going to be cold.”

“It’s pleasantly warm. Like putting on socks fresh out of the dryer. Except in this case my vagina is a sock? Your wang is a foot? I don’t know. This is a weird analogy. Ohh, its like those hot hands things you use when you hunt and its cold. Except your hand doesn’t go inside anything.”

“Uhh? Okay?”

“Oh and your hand isn’t going inside me, I don’t care how cold it is.”

“Shouldn’t you be working?” he asked her. Knowing she lost track of time on her break.

“It’s like when you get a facial and they put the warm towel on your face!”

“What is? Are you still talking about your vagina?” He asked her.

“Oh crap! I gotta go back to work, love you Daddy!!” She texted while she shoved her phone back into her pocket. She could feel it vibrate and she knew without looking that the text would say, “Love you too, princess.”

 

Dangerous

You were always dangerous. You forced me out of my comfort zone. I was fine where I was. Living in my little shell of a world. I was simply existing. I moved from day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year. The motions were familiar to me. I was happy, safe.

Then, I met you. From the minute we first spoke, the first conversations we had my world began to shift. I knew I was loved, my husband had always made sure of that. I just never realized that anyone else could make me feel special, worthy and cared for. Slowly you started opening my eyes to my true self. For that, I am grateful.

Yet, you were dangerous. We talked about deep things and connected. We knew things about each other that are not easy things to talk about. You knew all about how I had been treated in the past, how I had been hurt. I knew all about you, too. We were more than lovers, we were friends. We talked all throughout the day, and spent so much time learning about each other.

You were dangerous. You learned the things that I kept hidden away in the deep dark recesses of my mind. You learned what made me tick, how I thought. You used it to your advantage. You learned how to make my thinking shift to where it would be better in line with the things you wanted, the things you desired.

You twisted my world, darlin. You made me realize that there was so much more to me than the person I thought I had been. You made me stronger. Stronger mentally. Stronger in myself. Strong enough to grow into the woman I am today.

Thank you for that. Thank you for being so dangerous and making me grow. Thank you for allowing me to further expand the places in my mind. I am no longer that quiet, timid girl who was afraid of everything.

I am still quiet and timid. But I am no longer afraid to express myself. It may take me longer to get me there, but I do. I can speak up for myself and say exactly what I want. What I need. What I desire.

Is that why you left? Was I no longer the woman I wanted? Did I become too strong? Did I shift from being the easily molded, manipulated person to someone who defended herself? I know that part of what attracted you was how shy I was. You made that very clear. I am still shy. Attention, compliments or even being surrounded by people still bothers me. However, I can handle it just a little bit better. I think that the little bit was too much for you. You didn’t have that control.

You were dangerous. I always thought that danger was to myself. Now, I realize it was to you. The way you pushed me and guided me is something that I will always be thankful for. I just don’t think it is what you expected to happen.

I think that what you wanted was to use that danger, your mind games to turning me into the perfect person for you. The one to bend to your every whim, your every need. Your plan backfired, darlin. I grew. I became stronger in myself. I flourished.

I am no longer that person, I don’t think I can ever go back to being her. Because of you, my relationship with my husband has grown. We are closer than ever. Our marriage and friendship has been strengthened. He loves the woman I was, and the woman I have become.

You see, I have met someone. He is an amazing man, and he loves me fiercely. I am his kitten, his princess, his babygirl. He protects me, listens to me and most of all, he encourages me to grow even more into myself. I love him, he is my Daddy but so much more than that to me. He is my partner, my friend and protector. He is not only protective of our relationship but of the relationship I have with my husband and the friendship they have forged. They both want me to be happy, and to grow.

Looking back I realize you didn’t want me to grow and to develop my own sense of self. You wanted me to be the person you thought I should be. I am grateful that you showed me your true colors. Had you not, I wouldn’t be the woman I am now and the woman I will be tomorrow, next week, next month and next year.

You were dangerous, darlin. But the danger was to yourself. Not to me.

Love and Light,

C